Overall I've managed to stay remarkably cool even though I'm once again going to ship myself half way around the world for a contracted amount of time. Somedays I march around town with my chin held high as if to say in a snarky British accent "Yes, I'm QUITE the experienced traveler. I erected schools in Zimbabwe, liberated women in Iran, and fought flesh eating monkeys in Detroit."
Hmm, on a side note I've just added three things to my bucket list.
Other days I'm not so confident. These days usually result in an unusually high consumption of chocolate and a few episodes of Whale Wars mostly so I can feel like I'm not the world's most pathetic person. (God, have you seen that show? Regardless of the political message those people are awful pirates. I'm also addicted to that show and want to throw things at my TV every time they take a week break.)
And then I tell myself: Hey! People use to do this kind of thing back in the 1800s. They'd spend months and months on a boat fighting rats and scurvy so that they could land in a part of the world they'd never seen before. There was no internet, there were no air planes, there was no Amazon.com where if worst comes to worst I can order 37 lbs. of Haribo gummy bears to gorge myself on. I mean, sure, I'll have to use the occasional squat toilet, but how bad could it really be?
But there was one major difference. Those people? Those adventurers set out to discover the new world? They had guns. Lots and lots of guns. And they shot people they didn't like. I -- well, everyone reading this blog anyway -- don't really have that option, which means we have to have virtues like patience and kindness and compassion and understanding.
In spite of all this, I don't think anyone can help but feel anxiety about such a huge life change, so I've come up with three simple solutions when you find yourself mildly freaking out about, well, anything.
1. Start focusing on the good things.
Freak out example: Living on my own in my own place for the first time ever.
Freak out solution: Remember that this gives me the freedom to be a huge slob, sit around in my underwear, and drink beer in the shower.
2. Remember all things come to an end.
Freak out example: I...I have to live there for a year?
Freak out solution: I can always empty out the rest of my savings and go be a bum in Hawaii!
3. Remember to breathe!
Freak out example: OHMYGODICAN'TBREATHE
Freak out solution: Inhale.
4. Eat chocolate.
Now I can't really guarantee that following these rules are going to stop your mild freak outs, but it'll be great practice in dealing with them, and I suppose that's a simple step in retaining your composure, humanity, and sanity.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I've been putting off basically everything I have to do to get ready for Japan until today. I have so many errands to run it seems absolutely nuts, as you have seen based on The List.
So somehow I manage to get up and be dressed by 10:35, ready to head out the door, and before I do I go to check my horoscope on my cell phone which says....
"Finish a project that has been bugging you, Scorpio. For some reason, you have chosen to put off a big chore or obligation that seems a lot bigger than it actually is. Once you start going through what you have to do and begin to tackle it, you'll see that it will be much easier than you are anticipating. And once you clear your plate of it, you'll earn yourself a big sense of relief. For tomorrow, gather everything you will need and your day will be a breeze. Look forward to what's coming up with anticipation, not with worry."
It's like you're reading my mind, telephone horoscope!
Welp, off to take care of The List!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
In an attempt to be somewhat productive in my last few days here on Earth (because let's face it, I might as well be going to Mars but could probably get there faster. My hips are going to be PISSED after 12 hours of flying) I decided that I should make a list of things I have to get done before I go to Mars.
This is The List!
Now I made The List about a week ago and every day I follow the exact same routine. I wake up and tell myself "I'm going to accomplish SOMETHING on this list today!" and in an effort to get that done I drink about 6 or 7 cups of coffee during the day so I'm appropriately jittery while talking to members (I have to get to their level somehow) but won't crash when I get home and want to do nothing but sleep.
This usually backfires, and I end up crashing and burning at home anyway only instead of doing it normally I do it with a giant caffeine headache.
I have, however, somehow managed to complete exactly TWO things on The List: (1) Hair gel because if I can't have nice hair I get all fussy, and (2) pictures for me for the apartment mostly so I can look at all your sorry mugs whenever I've got a sorry mug.
My personal favorite thing on the list is "New 'Indoor Shoes'" mostly because I don't even know what Indoor Shoes are.
The Japanese have lots of shoes. They have shoes for walking around outside, shoes for walking around in your house, separate shoes for going to the bathroom, they have work shoes that you have to show up to work in but not actually wear at work, and then they have shoes they wear at work that are not work shoes. These are called indoor shoes.
Do you see my problem? I own two pairs of shoes. Tennis and Dress. That's it. Sandals don't count because according to my Japanese friend's mom those are "Bathroom shoes."
All I know is that indoor shoes are not ever supposed to touch the ground anywhere else except for indoors. But I also need new regular tennis shoes and new regular work shoes because I have giant Sasquatch feet at size 10 and in the event that what I already own become damaged while fighting Mothra, I'll be hard pressed to find anything that won't squeeze my toes into oblivion. So, I'll be off to Target, the giant Solver of Problems, to figure all this out.
Now *The Plan* that goes along with *The List* is to complete all of the things on The List on Sunday. We'll see how successful I am.
Now procrastination, there's something I've always been exceptional at!
This is The List!
Now I made The List about a week ago and every day I follow the exact same routine. I wake up and tell myself "I'm going to accomplish SOMETHING on this list today!" and in an effort to get that done I drink about 6 or 7 cups of coffee during the day so I'm appropriately jittery while talking to members (I have to get to their level somehow) but won't crash when I get home and want to do nothing but sleep.
This usually backfires, and I end up crashing and burning at home anyway only instead of doing it normally I do it with a giant caffeine headache.
I have, however, somehow managed to complete exactly TWO things on The List: (1) Hair gel because if I can't have nice hair I get all fussy, and (2) pictures for me for the apartment mostly so I can look at all your sorry mugs whenever I've got a sorry mug.
My personal favorite thing on the list is "New 'Indoor Shoes'" mostly because I don't even know what Indoor Shoes are.
The Japanese have lots of shoes. They have shoes for walking around outside, shoes for walking around in your house, separate shoes for going to the bathroom, they have work shoes that you have to show up to work in but not actually wear at work, and then they have shoes they wear at work that are not work shoes. These are called indoor shoes.
Do you see my problem? I own two pairs of shoes. Tennis and Dress. That's it. Sandals don't count because according to my Japanese friend's mom those are "Bathroom shoes."
All I know is that indoor shoes are not ever supposed to touch the ground anywhere else except for indoors. But I also need new regular tennis shoes and new regular work shoes because I have giant Sasquatch feet at size 10 and in the event that what I already own become damaged while fighting Mothra, I'll be hard pressed to find anything that won't squeeze my toes into oblivion. So, I'll be off to Target, the giant Solver of Problems, to figure all this out.
Now *The Plan* that goes along with *The List* is to complete all of the things on The List on Sunday. We'll see how successful I am.
Now procrastination, there's something I've always been exceptional at!
Am I the only one who is completely inept at putting USB plugs into USB slots? Every time I try to do this I try to cram it in there and the plug refuses to insert itself into an orifice that is made exactly to fit it, so I take it out, stare at it, look at the USB slot to make sure it's actually a USB slot, make sure the USB plug is right side up so I'm not trying to cram it into the slot upside down and end up breaking everything, and as I go to put it in a second time thinking "I hate that this happens to me every time I try and do this" the dumb thing slides right on in proving that I really just functionally inept at tiny little things like this and this is why you don't hire me to build your house.
Also, I'm leaving in 9 days, and instead of packing or doing anything remotely productive, I'm writing posts like this! Wheeeeeeeeeee!
Also, I'm leaving in 9 days, and instead of packing or doing anything remotely productive, I'm writing posts like this! Wheeeeeeeeeee!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
来 平 洋 半
So is this the one with the two dashes above or between the lines or is this the one where the vertical line crosses the top horizontal line or does it just START at the top horizontal line and how many horizontal lines does it--STABSTABSTAB
...today I decided to take a break from studying kanji.
"because you get home and it's like, this morning I woke up and my hair was not where I want it, but it was okay, and then you're like, I AM PAYING YOU TO HELP MY HAIR LOOK BETTER" - jaime
I can no longer go to Supercuts because the last time I went got I stern talking to by the hair dresser because I showed up with gel in my hair, and when stern hair dresser recommended a $3 shampooing to take it out, I said "No, I'm stingy, and will not pay you three dollars for something I can do at home for 1/100th of the price."
Just think about it. For three dollars you sit in those uncomfortable chair craning your neck back into what is not a natural position while they sand blast your head with ice cold water. And while you're straining every muscle in your spine to support yourself, the dumb hair dresser says to you while scraping her nails across your scalp "ISN'T THIS RELAXING!?"
She has to scream over the sand blasting.
So no, lady, I'm not giving you three bucks to put me through hell.
I offered a compromise! I said, hey, how about you just rinse out the gel because I use really expensive hair gel and it comes out with water.
"No it doesn't" she says.
"....yes. Yes it does. I've been using it for like 6 years. I know it does."
"No, it still leaves a residue in the hair."
At this point I just want to say "Look, lady, THIS HAS NEVER BEEN AN ISSUE BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE UNTIL NOW, CLEARLY YOU ARE CRAZY." But I don't.
She begrudgingly sheers my head. She's annoyed. I'm annoyed. We're both annoyed, and I tip her 25% anyway and I leave annoyed.
I can't go back to Supercuts anymore, not a single one in the chain, because sometimes they rotate their hairdressers and with MY LUCK I'm going to end up in the salon three cities away and she'll be there glowering.
I tell myself it's fine. I've had people do poor jobs on my hair before, and normally I can cover it up when I put gel in it, so I'll just go to the Great Clips that's slightly farther away and this WON'T BE A PROBLEM.
I walk into the salon and there's one person working there and she's ready to see me.
"Hi Bryan! My name's Regina, I'll help you right over here!"
Regina.
I recognize this name.
I recognize this name because last time I saw this woman, she butchered the shit out of my head.
"But that was a year ago!" I reassure myself, "maybe she's improved sing then after some practi--" NO
NO SHE HAS NOT.
Half of my head is now slightly longer than the other. There's a line around my head like a bowl cut. And when I get home to rinse out my head (because they never do it at these chain places) I quickly find that pretty much no matter what I do with the gel, there's absolutely nothing I can do make myself look like a normal human being (aka non-douche bag super queen) like I did this morning. This is the reason why I remember Regina's name.
My life is over. I envision working reception tomorrow and every member looking at me with an expression of "Why the hell did you let a beaver gnaw on your head for an hour?"
This is all until I realize that I'm going to walk into work tomorrow with an attitude of "What. This is the new thing. I'm SUPPOSED to look like this."
So damn you, Regina, destroyer of hair! Damn you and the 25% tip I gave you!
I can no longer go to Supercuts because the last time I went got I stern talking to by the hair dresser because I showed up with gel in my hair, and when stern hair dresser recommended a $3 shampooing to take it out, I said "No, I'm stingy, and will not pay you three dollars for something I can do at home for 1/100th of the price."
Just think about it. For three dollars you sit in those uncomfortable chair craning your neck back into what is not a natural position while they sand blast your head with ice cold water. And while you're straining every muscle in your spine to support yourself, the dumb hair dresser says to you while scraping her nails across your scalp "ISN'T THIS RELAXING!?"
She has to scream over the sand blasting.
So no, lady, I'm not giving you three bucks to put me through hell.
I offered a compromise! I said, hey, how about you just rinse out the gel because I use really expensive hair gel and it comes out with water.
"No it doesn't" she says.
"....yes. Yes it does. I've been using it for like 6 years. I know it does."
"No, it still leaves a residue in the hair."
At this point I just want to say "Look, lady, THIS HAS NEVER BEEN AN ISSUE BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE UNTIL NOW, CLEARLY YOU ARE CRAZY." But I don't.
She begrudgingly sheers my head. She's annoyed. I'm annoyed. We're both annoyed, and I tip her 25% anyway and I leave annoyed.
I can't go back to Supercuts anymore, not a single one in the chain, because sometimes they rotate their hairdressers and with MY LUCK I'm going to end up in the salon three cities away and she'll be there glowering.
I tell myself it's fine. I've had people do poor jobs on my hair before, and normally I can cover it up when I put gel in it, so I'll just go to the Great Clips that's slightly farther away and this WON'T BE A PROBLEM.
I walk into the salon and there's one person working there and she's ready to see me.
"Hi Bryan! My name's Regina, I'll help you right over here!"
Regina.
I recognize this name.
I recognize this name because last time I saw this woman, she butchered the shit out of my head.
"But that was a year ago!" I reassure myself, "maybe she's improved sing then after some practi--" NO
NO SHE HAS NOT.
Half of my head is now slightly longer than the other. There's a line around my head like a bowl cut. And when I get home to rinse out my head (because they never do it at these chain places) I quickly find that pretty much no matter what I do with the gel, there's absolutely nothing I can do make myself look like a normal human being (aka non-douche bag super queen) like I did this morning. This is the reason why I remember Regina's name.
My life is over. I envision working reception tomorrow and every member looking at me with an expression of "Why the hell did you let a beaver gnaw on your head for an hour?"
This is all until I realize that I'm going to walk into work tomorrow with an attitude of "What. This is the new thing. I'm SUPPOSED to look like this."
So damn you, Regina, destroyer of hair! Damn you and the 25% tip I gave you!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
For those of you wondering where I've been these past few weeks, the answer is mostly hiding under the covers of my bed secretly terrified of picking up and heading out to some crazy island nation where they willingly choose to eat bacteria infested soybeans. This, I think, is not so irrational.
I have my days of bravery. Sometimes I wake up and I loudly proclaim to impending trans-continental move that NO! I WILL be adventurous and go out and investigate the world! I'll climb mountains and swim rivers and win sumo matches and find kids to trade Pokemon cards with and it will be exciting because I am the spirit of adventure!
...and then I think about the times when I'll curl up under an electric blanket in the dead of winter with a good book and realize that even if I'm not hurling 500 lbs. sumo wrestlers out of the ring with the title of Dai Gai Jin, things will be all right.
In actuality I went to Hawaii for week where I (1) jumped out of a plane (2) some how got upgraded to a red convertible mustang for my rental car (3) drank mai thais on a cruise and (4) dented the upgraded red convertible mustang by barreling it right into a giant concrete column that I knew was there.
This is why you purchase insurance on rental cars -- it allows you to drive like a nut job and get away with it. I'm sure the thirty people I came close to dismembering while driving that yacht of a car were not too pleased (especially the bicyclist that gave me a 10 second dirty glare because I was making a right hand turn without signaling and nearly ran him over (I glared right back at him like it was his fault)), but somehow I managed to survive the week without killing myself or anyone else and this I consider a success.
I could see myself living on an island. Especially out in the middle of no where. China, the US, India -- they can all pollute up a storm. It won't pollute my air since I'm in the middle of the ocean, it'll just ensure my sun tan gets that much darker thanks to the depleting ozone layer, and a Greek Bryan is a happy Bryan. Thanks India!
So now it's just about transitioning to a bigger island, and if nothing else, at least they have great beer...
....and amazing beer commercials!
I have my days of bravery. Sometimes I wake up and I loudly proclaim to impending trans-continental move that NO! I WILL be adventurous and go out and investigate the world! I'll climb mountains and swim rivers and win sumo matches and find kids to trade Pokemon cards with and it will be exciting because I am the spirit of adventure!
...and then I think about the times when I'll curl up under an electric blanket in the dead of winter with a good book and realize that even if I'm not hurling 500 lbs. sumo wrestlers out of the ring with the title of Dai Gai Jin, things will be all right.
In actuality I went to Hawaii for week where I (1) jumped out of a plane (2) some how got upgraded to a red convertible mustang for my rental car (3) drank mai thais on a cruise and (4) dented the upgraded red convertible mustang by barreling it right into a giant concrete column that I knew was there.
This is why you purchase insurance on rental cars -- it allows you to drive like a nut job and get away with it. I'm sure the thirty people I came close to dismembering while driving that yacht of a car were not too pleased (especially the bicyclist that gave me a 10 second dirty glare because I was making a right hand turn without signaling and nearly ran him over (I glared right back at him like it was his fault)), but somehow I managed to survive the week without killing myself or anyone else and this I consider a success.
I could see myself living on an island. Especially out in the middle of no where. China, the US, India -- they can all pollute up a storm. It won't pollute my air since I'm in the middle of the ocean, it'll just ensure my sun tan gets that much darker thanks to the depleting ozone layer, and a Greek Bryan is a happy Bryan. Thanks India!
So now it's just about transitioning to a bigger island, and if nothing else, at least they have great beer...
....and amazing beer commercials!
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